One Last Word…

Hi! Happy Soul Sips on Sunday! Today is that kind of day, no coffee for me. But it’s my favourite mug! One of the hockey teams made it for Joshua and they gave it to all the Mom’s, and I love drinking out of it. It makes me think about that special guy.

As I’m sure you have routines and different things, I used to wear a power ring or certain bracelets that make me think, you know, embrace my strength because I felt like over the years and as life happens, there are so many times that uhh, I’m not really sure where I’m going to get my strength from. Sometimes, I really, really find life heavy, daunting, and I just kind of want to crawl back up in my blanket.

So, I’m in kind of one of those moods, but its reflection mode, and it’s a couple different things. One, I’ve decided to take a break from my Soul Sips on Sunday. I’ve decided that I’m really entering into a period, you know going into the holiday season, whatever that kind of looks like this year, I feel it’s just a time to rejuvenate and quiet things done a little bit and create some calmness. And so, I know y’all will be fine. But I’m going to go off social media more than anything, and I’ll see you in the New Year.

But as I, I kind of wanted to leave you with an interesting – I’m really fiery right now, and as I reflect to different things and different people and experiences that have been unique to me, but yet, the feelings are not unique amongst us. My specific experiences like a man, no, a woman, excuse me, this person was a woman calling my Mom at 2 o’clock in the morning, some sort of crank call about where’s Andrea, and she’s with my man. I mean just super crazy; you know it was just really crazy.

And another time, I’ve had two different hate mails, scripted, and maybe you’ve never had that but maybe you have had someone kind of take a shot at you that was really hurtful, whether it was a stranger or a family member or a really close friend. Shit happens. We get that, and we get fucking knocked down. We get knocked down.

It’s so funny, when I got Bea, of course I didn’t think I would ever have a dog again, it’s like having a baby, like even if I go to the washroom, if you have children, you know how when they were little, you know how you could never go to the washroom, without someone walking right through or having a conversation with you or needing you at that moment, that’s my dog too, but anyways…

Sol I’ve just been feeling really, really fiery, and frustrated, and again, all of this storytelling is about all of the commonality, regardless of what my personal experience was, you have had experiences that have made you feel, well I’m not telling you, I’m guessing that as we live in this world and this day and age of unworthiness and the fear of failure, and screwing up, and sadness, and loss and grief. And these are all like huge mothers! And there’s no specific path, and there’s no specific recipe, you have to take your time your way. You’ve got to search out and experiment.

I remember I had a girlfriend who, she went through a divorce, and she went before me, and I would often see her running. And she’d be out running, and I get it, let it out. But when she would have to cross certain streets, she would have her ears in, and she would just be dancing. And it was kind of like, Oh, my gosh, she’s losing it! And I think, she was figuring it out. To let it out. To be free. And I think, that’s where we really have to respect people to where they are at in their moment, and when we have these feelings of unworthiness, they’re intense, and it’s so important that you go inward.

All of that external stuff are just temporary fills. Whether it’s wine, whether it’s shopping, whether its gossiping, whether its social media, exercise, eating, not eating, obsessing over, controlling, right? It’s like those layers have to come and it’s through that process that we let things go, but we allow ourselves to grieve, we allow ourselves to be down, we allow ourselves to hang out in that ditch. And then we pull ourselves out, right? And we step out, step by step, but I don’t do it any better than you as you to me, it’s just really respecting each other.

But what, as I was reflecting today and I was like urgg, getting fiery. I was going through some thoughts I had that was really, you know I kind of think at this moment, women who are going through divorce, and men, it’s not exclusive to women, I’m just not sure how to get to men. But when, women, when you’re going through it, there are so many times you’re just pulling, you’re just grabbing at people, come save me, somebody come give me advice, please hold me up or tell me that I’m not crazy. And listen to me and allow me to be seen, you know?

And so, I look at this a lot and I kind of go, where is my place? Because I feel like there is a place for us as women to support women. And to stop criticizing each other. Please stop! I get it! And I know there are things that get under our skin, and there’s jealousies and inadequacies and wishing and wanting. But we all know, the grass is not greener, we just need to water our own. We just need to root ourselves. We need to go inward. We need to do the hard work, it’s not easy. It’s not easy sitting and thinking and reflecting, and changing your ways, and accepting, that maybe you did, you were part of that and maybe you need to apologize, and maybe you need to apologize to yourself. Maybe you just need to let things go. Let it go and forgive.

So, as I was thinking about this, I was going back to when we were going to counselling, as we were just about to separate. And it was very interesting, and I am going to share something very personal with you, just because, I can’t be the only one. So, we had three major things that were going on in our lives that were a problem. Though, I must say, I was still in nah nah land, like I knew my life wasn’t good, but I didn’t know what was wrong and I just felt, “you can work on it, we can fix it.” That was always my attitude, we can fix this, and I really wasn’t acknowledging where I was at.

He had his complaints, one, I had gotten a dog, I’d gotten a puppy, basically kind of without him, it wasn’t a bad intention or sneaky or anything, but I didn’t go about it the best way. So, one it was the dog, and he didn’t want to have another dog, and I was like, we can’t not have a dog. Two, sex, intimacy. Wasn’t happening. Three, me being angry all of the time.

So, I’ve got to tell you. A we went through it, the counsellor, said one can we get rid of the dog, Andrea can we get rid of the dog? I said yeah, no problem, and he said, no we can’t get rid of the dog because if we get rid of the dog, the kids are going to think that I’m the one that caused getting rid of the dog. And I’m like, yeah, but that’s okay, we can figure that out and we can do that. The dog stayed.

Two. Sex. This is the one I want to talk about because I think this is common. And as intimacy changes, I went through about ten years of either being pregnant, nursing, babies hanging off and no sleep. Ten years. And running a business. And my business just exploded in that time. It was insane, and so yeah, by the time ten, ten-thirty came at night, I was not interested in anything.

But as I’m learning and I’ve studied more and more our understanding, this area here, into, like our uterus area, it’s also called the yoni. You can put your hands like this right here and it covers that area. The yoni is directly connected to the head, the mind, and when there is a disconnect, this shuts off. And you know what was happening to me, now I know, I did not feel safe. It’s not like he was a bad guy, and anything was intense that way, but I, my intuition, I knew, that there was something wrong. There was something wrong. But I gotta tell you, what happened, but, so the whole time, I’m kind of going, I don’t know what’s wrong, I don’t know why I’m not sexually attracted and into you right now. And I just kind of went, I’m friggin tired.

So, the counsellor said, Andrea, will you go to a gynecologist, and I said, yeah sure, ‘cause you have a problem, and you need to get it fixed. And I was like, okay. So, what you have to understand, and then we went into the anger thing, like Andrea has a problem because she’s angry all the time. No one was discussing why Andrea was angry or what was going on.

I would leave those sessions, like literally, oh my God, and then, that energy was encouraged by him because then everything was focused on me to change, and then therefore, I was the problem of this separation. And so, it is what it is, and I’m learning now, I knew that, I knew that all along. I knew that something didn’t click and go. But I still couldn’t, that wasn’t enough. I wasn’t fiery enough to say NO. I was just so wounded, and I just took it all on. So much guilt I took on.

But what I’ve got to tell you, about two years later, I run into this counsellor in a very casual, out in the city sort of thing, and she says, hey how you doing, blah, blah, blah. And I’m like, it’s fine. And then she said to me, she said, yeah you weren’t, how did she put it, she said. She basically said, you were not the problem. I only directed you to get rid of the dog, go to the gynecologist, work on yourself to get happier because I knew he was out. She said, I knew he was gone in those conversations, and she never told me.

So, I hung on, and built on that guilt, for a long time. A long time. And I also felt there was something physically wrong with me, mentally wrong with me, and again, I was in my forties, like there’s the whole thing about how and what is my life going to look like moving forward, with possibly even another man.

So, what I’m saying this to you for is one, almost every girl that I’ve talked to that goes through a divorce, sex is an issue. And it’s a complaint. But where I think there is a miss, and if I could just put this nugget out there is that these two are connected, and it goes down a full line. And if you’re not connected to that, you’re not going to have that energy and that desire to connect and be.

And those energies between two people are very, very real, so even what we can’t physically speak to or see or even understand, our intuition is saying, whoa, whoa, there’s something going down here. And there’s nothing wrong with you! You are worthy, which is a wonderful mantra, you’re special, which is another wonderful mantra. And you deserve happiness! Like all of the happiness in the world. But here is the huge stinking thing, you don’t get it from the outside world. You don’t get it from another human. You get it from you.

So, slowly, be super kind with yourself, and love yourself, love yourself. And take those baby steps to heal, rest, do things differently. Make some changes because you are worth it.

Cheers! I’ll see you in the New Year!