Dating After Divorce

Hi there! Happy Soul Sips on Sunday! I hope you’re having a great day. So, today’s video, I tried to take, to do it twenty-one times last week, until I finally realized, this is not my jam, I need to sit back and think about this as to what’s happening. And the reason I’ve found it challenging is because the topic is, “dating post-divorce”.

And it’s uncomfortable right? It has so many levels to it, and layers to it, that I keep kind of fiddling with how to go about this conversation but as I mentioned many times before, I feel there’s such a power and a strength to mirror stories and to have conversations and to open up and be real and honest about our experiences.

So, I just thought I’d baby-step it in today with the hopes that there are a few other videos and conversations about this in the future. So someone who really inspires me and eggs me on to do these videos are other individuals who are being brave and courageous and telling their stories in their way. And one fantastic group that has done this for me is these guys (The Chicks). These women, The Dixie Chicks or The Chicks should I say, all went through a divorce. They then took those stories and turned them into song, and I must say, this album is phenomenal.

But I’ve got to tell you to start, this particular song called “Texas Man”, when I heard it I said, yes, I can speak to this. So, let me give you the first four lines of this verse.

Everybody wants top market
But I’m a little bit unraveled
Everybody wants the new model
But I’m a little bit more traveled

It is so perfect. You’ve been with a man for over twenty years. You’re now in your forties, or in my case, I was in my forties. Your body is, you see models, you see perfection, all over the place, your body is nothing like it was twenty years ago, post babies, post life. And then you have the unraveled feeling, the unravel and wobbly feeling that happens in your head, and your mind and your heart going through a divorce.

You know what you don’t want but you also have an idea of what you do want but you aren’t quite sure how to get there, and you’re not sure what this all looks like. And I think that’s the dating piece, right? It’s such an intimate component to life and stepping in. And it’s well beyond physical, as much as we can fixed on physical and it’s hard not to get fixed on physical, it’s such a knock down, right? Like you get knocked down going through a divorce, and I felt very knocked down. It was funny, I felt so knocked down that I trained for a fitness competition with the thoughts that if I just got neck down in shape and ready to go, I’d be able to balance my head and my heart out and tackle my divorce.

And that couldn’t have been further from the truth of what I needed to do but like everything happens for a reason and like life is, I had to go through that experience and realize that my physical body was not the only component that needed to heal to get stronger and softer and kinder.

So, what I wanted to do today was just share, share a couple stories, nothing too crazy, but maybe they might mirror a bit with you. One was, I felt so guilty and worn about my divorce, and it really weighed heavy on me that I was a huge part, more than the majority for the reasoning for my divorce. And so, there was a part of me, I almost felt like I had to penance myself. That there would be no man in my life, that I wouldn’t have contact with anybody. I just needed to work on myself and get my shit together.

Well, what added to that was when somebody very close to me said this very seriously, and I’m paraphrasing because it’s been a few year’s, but you get the tidbit here. So, she said, “Andrea, you have to realize you’re in your forties now, and you’re entering menopause and of course you’ve got four kids, I’m not really sure what kind of man is going to be interested in you for those reasons”. Anyways, so part of telling these stories and looking back and reflecting on my life, and when I say, “Lessons Wrapped in Sandpaper”, this was a lesson wrapped in sandpaper. This lesson was hard to take. Hard to take because it was a huge reality bust in my face when I kind of went home and went, “Shit, who is going to want you and take this on”. And on top of it, I’m not a wilting flower, I am strong and I’m clear and I’m, yeah, and I want a guy who can stand beside me or I don’t want one at all.

So, with that attitude and with that happening, I went into a space of just me. And I really focused on me. I practised being alone, I practiced doing things on my own, I focused on my own goals, my specific dreams, I focused on being a parent, a single parent, and I really took some long, long sits and walks, and time to myself to really look inward. And you know, I have to just say, before stepping into dating, it was so good. I highly recommend it, It’s uncomfortable, there’s tears, there’s moments you’re on the kitchen floor. You’re alone, sometimes you’re lonely, but I believe it’s a layering thing, you stretch yourself a little bit, you step into it a little bit, and then you realize, “I’m good. I did that, Holy shit, I just did that, you know!” And I felt, I wanted to really decide, again, I knew what I didn’t want, and I started really picking away at what I did want.

And that I wasn’t prepared to betray myself. Again. I am important. I love myself. I am not too much. And these are the sorts of things that I continue to tall to myself about and mantra to myself to whatever I kind of needed at that time. I just worked at building myself back up. And self-confidence was a huge thing for me, and I was so afraid to step into dating. One of the weird things though, it’s kind of humourous and I’m sure you can relate to, is that, I found it fascinating how people, I’d run into them at the soccer field, the grocery store, the mall, and if I was out at gatherings or whatever and it was the funniest thing because one, people thought they could say anything to me. I don’t know why. All of a sudden, you’re single and you have the weirdest, random things happen to you, I felt. And secondly, they can be particularly blunt.

So, I went into the grocery store one day and I run into a man I’ve known, him and his wife actually, and I’ve known them for quite some time. And she and I were chatting and then she heads off to the bakery, and he basically says, super blunt, way more blunt than I’m about to say. He says, “You know what you need Andrea? You need to get on with your life. You need to have a one-night stand with a dude and then you’ll be fine.” And I just remember walking away going, “What just happened and why does he think he can say this to me.” It’s really uggg.

So, my little tidbit on this one. If you’re somebody who has said that before, even if you’re a girlfriend saying, c’mon get on with your life, which I had that as well. Or if you’re a guy saying this. Whatever this looks like. When someone has been in a relationship for a particular long time, or maybe as not as long as you think it could be, should be, whatever. I was grieving. We have to respect people. We have to respect them kindly. And the answer to a divorce is not to immediately hook-up with someone. It’s not. Time is important. Grieving is real. It’s a thing!

Take your time, fuel yourself, do you. Don’t let all the voices around you throw you. Just keep doing you. But when you are ready to start dating, and you’ll know it, it’s uncomfortable but it’s fun! And it’s exciting! I had a hard time just having fun, I really had to, I know this is going to sound weird, I really had to practice having fun. I felt I had to be responsible, I’m a Mom and I had a business, blah, blah, blah blah, blah. I couldn’t just like, go off.

You know, I remember one time I went on a date to Wonderland, and it was so much fun! The only time I’ve done Wonderland or any kind of amusement park, I had a bunch of kids and they were whining and complaining. It was just me and him. And I went on rides I never would have gone on. My ex-husband didn’t like rides, and the next thing I know I’m going down these massive long crazy rides. And I’m having so much fun, and I just let loose. So that would be my first little bit of advice.

My second bit of advice is when you’re allowing yourself to take time, you can still take time while seeing people but listen to yourself. So, don’t get caught up in Betty Jo is seeing so many people, and Sally Ann is on her fifth date with that guy, and it looks like its so great and wonderful. Just keep listening to yourself, it’s okay. You get to do your own path. It’s such an intimate, internal process that we go through. We’ve just got to be easier on ourselves. And just go with it, and if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out. The first guy you go on a date with, you know, doesn’t have to be your forever guy, and really, stepping into your forever guy, lose the fairy tale. We were shovelled the fairy tale all of our lives, right? We all got married thinking we were going to live happily ever after. Bullshit.

Even those of you who are married, we all know, it’s hard and it’s a compromise, and this is life, it’s not a fairy tale. So, get out of it. If that means you go on a few dates and you do whatever and however, and whatever that looks like, maybe you never get married again. Maybe you’re straight and you become a lesbian. Whatever it is, do you. Do whatever really works for you.

And then, I think probably the last thing is the guys. This is always and interesting thing, right? One, they’re going through their own shit, because there’s a really good chance that they have kids or they are divorced and if they’re not, that’s a whole other ballgame too. I actually had one guy, he did, when he found out I had four kids, when we finally got into the conversation, and I said, “Hey look, I’m not having anymore kids, I’m barely doing a sub-par job with my four. I really like you but I’m not having any more children.” And he backed away. He knew. He knew what he needed, and I knew what I needed.

But I had a moment that I kind of went “oooo” because that voice was in head, but I was like no, no. And then when it comes to guys, I think, kind of going back to that fairy tale, we kind of think they’re going to save the day. Or they’re going to, once you’re with somebody, you just want to get back to living together, having dinner parties, going on trips together, raising families – which there’s nothing wrong with any of that. But they’re not here to save you. Those men, you guys, you’re as unravelled as us. We need to really, really practice respecting ourselves first, and then respecting them, and knowing that we’re all kind of on this bumpy path together, and how we chose to go about it is really about not betraying ourselves and having integrity.

So, I think it’s a really exciting fun time, but you have more control than you may even realize. So, stay true to yourself. Stay true to yourself and know that that is not the end all and be all. Enjoying yourself, and if one guy or one girl is that lucky person that gets to hang out with you, and gets to enjoy your space, your energy, your love, well then, yahoo. And until then, love yourself. Love hard on yourself. Take care of yourself and know that you are enough, you are worthy and let it go, and really embrace life.

Go do you! Do you!