Good morning to Sunday Soul Sips. I hope you’re enjoying just some comfortable time in this cooler weather and, I don’t know, I think I always find as we go into the season of school, September, I find I shift. I used to when everybody was little, I would get into a bit of a hyper mode of getting everybody organized and ready to go, and all these teams and activities and I found September to be a really intense month. This year, I’m not even sure what to say to that!
But what I did want to speak to you about was to my fellow friends who are divorced. Guys and girls. I think, I recently was speaking to a fellow who was struggling with something with his wife and he was talking about what she had gone through – what she was going through – with some hormones and everything. And um, how she was reacting. And I left the conversation thinking, we don’t know enough. And there’s not enough conversations amongst men and women and respect, to understand what we go through as women.
And what has to become, I really believe our generation, is the generation of change. We are the ones that have to go through some serious grubble, some serious game changing moments, and breaking some beliefs and breaking things that we say, “Hey that’s just okay because he’s like this or he works there or he’s always been that way or she has”, it’s not specific to male or female. But a lot of our thoughts and patterns are things that are parents and our grandparents and our great-grandparents have passed along, whether it’s conscious or not, they’re there.
And, the lack of understanding and respect and desire to learn about us, and I really, really encourage you as men to ask questions with an open mind. If you feel that we’re being ‘bitchy’, we’re probably being ‘bitchy’ and we’d probably even acknowledge that we’re being bitchy. But going at us or saying it’s because of our period or because we’re in menopause, it doesn’t help things. It’s important for you guys to understand, you didn’t go through this. You didn’t…I’m still trying to figure it out.
I think a lot of women are still trying to figure out what is going on with our minds and our bodies. How we look at life. How we thought our lives were going to be. And they’re not. And I think a lot of that happens with those of us that break up right? We don’t really know what’s going on and life is so chaotic, so chaotic.
Anyways, what I wanted to speak to, to both males and females who have gone through divorce is this whole, quite frankly, guilt. It’s, I personally, if I was going to say my biggest feeling and intensity of going through my divorce, it was not the breakup of my other – my partner – it was my children. And it was where I took full responsibility for my life and assuming that my life was going to stay a certain way, and I felt that I was a huge part in breaking up their stability, and breaking up their plans to what their lives were going to be like. I was the main contributor to change that path.
And so, I’ve held on to a lot of guilt and I’m continually trying to let it go. And so I do a lot of different things to try and ease myself off of this guilt that I do, you know, with my kids. And I have an interesting way of looking at my world and its…
I have three boys and a girl. But my three boys, it was an interesting process to see them go through. Boys, if you have a boy, or two or three or four, they can be very protective, they’re very loving. They can also have their expectations like right up here because as a Mom, or at least I was very controlling of their lives. It was like this, this, this. And every night, each one is in bed, I would go and say good night to each one of them, and the boys in particular would want to know, “what is tomorrow’s plan?” and “what are we doing next?”
And so when I talk about my period in my life when it fell apart, I wasn’t able to give them that structure and it was super difficult, particularly on my boys, it was tough on Sophie too, of course, but it was a different something. And, as I tried to share my story with the hopes that it resonates with you and maybe allows you to say, “You too?” or “Me too” or whatever, and that we’re going to be okay. Right? That we’re going to acknowledge what’s gone on and make changes. And if we goofed up before, it’s okay, you can apologize. I think parents apologizing is a wonderful thing. We can acknowledge what happened and we can make changes right? When you know better, you do better.
And then, you get to work on yourself. And one of the really big areas for me to work on myself is music. Music is extremely soothing to me, and of course I like to listen to the words and the rhythm and everything else. And recently, The Dixie Chicks or The Chicks have come out with an album and some real great songs and it’s called, “Gaslighting”. That isn’t the particular song that really resonates with me. This, what I wanted to speak to you to was, there’s a song called, “Young Man”. I’ve made some notes here because it’s so phenomenal. So if you are a divorced parent of a boy, I really encourage you to go listen to this. Although she speaks from a Mom’s view, Dad’s please, go listen to it. If you don’t like country, just try and step beyond or think it’s a chick thing, it’s not.
And even if it is a chick thing, guys, I really encourage you to step into some of those thought processes that we’re going through because we are part of this process to heal and mend our children and allow them to have a space to evolve and allow them to evolve in their own relationships so they can be healthy, so they can respect women, so they can hear women, and they can try and understand where women are coming from. You don’t need to get it totally but you just need to be there to support your partner.
So, what I’m going to say to you is just some of words that almost bring me to tears every time I hear them. She says,
“You’re of me, not mine, walk your own crooked line, leave the bad news behind.”
“Young man, take a good look at my life and try and understand I’ve done the best, the best I know how to do.”
“My blues are not your blues, it’s up to you.”
And for so long, I’ve held onto the fact that I did, I did, I had a very long period of time that I was sad. I was simply sad. I was sad that my marriage dissolved, I was sad that my family broke apart, I was sad that I couldn’t get my shit together. I was sad that I couldn’t stand strong in the way that I thought I needed to stand strong, as a woman and as a mother. I have four children, but this song is her way, their way, the Chicks way of telling their story and to me, it is so bang on, it is – it’s okay. It’s okay. I didn’t know what to say when it all shook down but as time goes on, as we take care of ourselves and we start healing, we’re able to then, guide our children.
So then I started thinking, I started thinking, well, what would I say? I’m far from an expert. But again, I just sort of feel like conversations need to happen! About our divorce and about our struggles! Struggles! It is hard! It’s so friggin’ hard to be a parent right now, and anytime I’m sure. But we don’t have those structures, we’re literally breaking through, we’re breaking through, we’re breaking barriers, we’re creating new ways, and a huge part about that is stepping into our truths and going against the grain. The grain that we’ve always known, that we’ve always understood. That we were told was right. But we’re now saying maybe not. Maybe I need to start thinking for myself and healing for myself.
And so a big one was, is, my happiness. I remember many years ago I was just, I was really weighed down because I thought I was being so selfish, so selfish taking care of myself. Following some dreams, reaching some goals, or focusing on attaining some goals and that was sacrificing my family and my children. And there were a lot of voices saying I was being so selfish. And umm yeah…
I think the most important thing we can do for our children, is to find our happiness. Or to find our soothing or to find our ease. They know! Those children know when we’re faking it. So don’t fake it. So if you do feel shitty, tell them. It’s a shitty day, and that I’m working on it. And I’m getting stronger because I can do hard things. God I love that saying.
The other one is letting them go. Let them go. I love what the Dixie Chicks…this is my most favorite line:
“You’re of me, not mine.”
They’re not our children – well they are our children – but they’re their own humans. They get to be who they need to be. They need us to have a hand behind their back, to have a safe place for them to come, and be themselves, break things down, break down, talk, yell, scream, sing, do whatever they need to do. But they’re so stinking wise, they don’t need to be told, plus, we’re still trying to figure this out. Because we’re going through this thing that we are breaking barriers. Everything our parents told us may not be true. Some of it might be but some of it maybe isn’t. And we’re in some deep mud to try and figure out what is. And I really think that our kids are way wiser than we think.
The guilt is the next part. That what we did, we did dumb things. We did silly things. We did stupid things. We’re human. You’re allowed to be human. Today. Let it go. Just let it go. That guilt is really, really heavy. Just wish it well. And just start new.
And the last bit is particularly with boys, you know it’s the funniest thing. I never expected that my boys would be bigger than me. I knew. I never really thought that they would be so big and so…I don’t know. But all my boys are over six feet and I throw those hugs on them and they can be running out the door and I grab them and I say, “You give me a hug”. You know, I tell them that whatever you do, you do what you gotta do. Whatever you do, I will be proud of you and happy for you and support you because I love you, and I know you’re brilliant. And just think a little bit more of just love and respect who they are as humans, and a little bit less of directing them. Cause I think they got it.
So go listen to The Chicks song, “Young Man.”